1:15 a.m.

153 Ultimate Rock Ballads!

Because if they gave me 150 I would feel cheated, like they had not tried. 153 seems like a number that was given a lot of thought and that was all they could squeeze onto 9 CDs.

Call in the next 60 minutes and they drop 29.99 and you go from 5 payments to just 4 payments of 29.99. "Opportunity of a lifetime" is what I am told from The Kevin Cronin of REO Speed wagon, in a shirt he should know better not to wear but doesn't. If I had not stayed up past 1:15 a.m. before I would have believed him but I have been sold this line before. Do we just shut our brains off after 1:15? We sit in front of our TV's and I see mullet after mullet paraded with spandex, leather, aquanet, wet and dry, it does not matter. Mullets, mullets and even when I flip I get a "prophet" speaking for God. I'm sure God is speaking but I am not listening to any prophet with a wet, jerry curled white guy mullet. Now back to this deal of a lifetime…

Call in the next 10 minutes and you get the best of the 70's- Yes, Eddie Money and Kansas for free. That fact could get me over the lingering insecurity that my penus needs enlargement (wow, Lord please don't let my mother see this) and I can't afford the "natural" supplements that I apparently need but I can afford the 120.00 dollars for 153 rock ballads. I need more Steve Perry in my life. No one ever told him that he looks like he got out of the shower, left his hair flat and sings like a woman to other women. Weren't the 80's so wonderful? "Meatloaf just has one of those voices that gives you goose bumps"-did I just hear that? I have goose bumps and I'm craving ground beef topped with ketchup.

I don't think I can fight this feeling any more, should I buy this C.D. set? Can these songs take me high enough because love hurts and I could close my eyes, only for just a moment but the moment could be gone. Maybe I should buy this C.D. set because this is more than a feeling, surely. I want to know what love is and I know these songs could show me because I don't know if this is love, I've been searching for it, but how will I know true love. I need 153 lessons on true love. It's like I am having a total eclipse of the heart, I can't see. At least they can help me narrow it down to girls named Oh'Sherrie, Sara, Carrie, Beth, Amanda, Rosanna (let's go all the way) or your sister Christian.

This is almost paradise. Thank you Time life. Thank you

Inside the cooks kitchen vol. 1- Sausage Chronicles

Much like "Inside the actors studio" I hope to pick the brains of people who love food like I do and get some insight for all to learn. Our first interview will be a man who is my dear friend, fellow N. Ireland traveler, computer guru, thinker and all around good guy Michael Atkins- "The Patron Saint of Sausage". I kind of see him as the Lewis and Clark of my culinary experience, always up for adventure and exploration. Let's dive in!

-How did you become the Patron Saint of Sausage?

It was a sunny summer day in the home of black pudding (Northern Ireland) when a discussion on the topic of sausage began. It was probably overwhelming enthusiasm rather than any professional qualification that earned the title. I've not worked any miracles, but I have smoked breakfast sausage over hickory and mesquite and that blurs the line quite a bit. I do hope to carry the mantle in a worthy manner for years to come.

-What is it about sausage that makes it better than a pork chop or hamburger, which are in the meat family?

Two things immediately come to mind...fat and spice. The American pig farmer, responding to popular demand, has basically bred the fat right out of the pig population. Additionally, the FDA has instilled visions of painful infections or death at the thought of not cooking your pork chop until it resembles something akin to shoe leather. Cattle farmers suffer from the similar anti-fat initiatives as their porcine brethren. These days, people will pay huge sums for ridiculously lean beef only to top it with three cheeses, bacon and bleu cheese dressing.

You simply don't have those kinds of challenges with sausage. It doesn't require condiments, buns, or special sauce. Everything you need to enjoy it is already inside. In a family with a member whose name is Lardo, you know exactly what you're getting. That is the sausage family.

-What are you top two go to sausages for yumminess and merriment?

Since I began smoking meat in recent months, nothing brings a smile to my face faster than smoked breakfast sausage (known simply as "fatties"). Sausage began life in human history as a way to preserve meat. Something about taking it back to the basics of meat and smoke connects us with the generations of sausage fathers past.

I also have a huge warm spot for the entire salumi family...from bresaola to cappicola to salami and everything in between. The branch of the family that is cured will be high on the list of any disciple.

-What are your favorite ways to prepare the aforementioned sausage?

It's hard to mess up sausage. There are branches of the family I have yet to sample...mostly in the organ meat department (I'm not settled on the "pate is sausage" debate that is older than we are). Sausages can be boiled, fried, smoked, cured, simmered, dried, and fermented (mmm...summer sausage) with the expected outcome almost always being delicious. I'm relatively purist when it comes to serving. I'm not saying sausage should never be combined with sauces or soups - I've had my share of great gumbos and pastas with italian sausage - I'm simply saying you can't judge a sausage solely on those appearances. You need to give each one a chance to perform on its own.

-I was shocked as you educate me in knowledge of the sausage just how many types there are. What are one or two sausages that are just a real delight that people know little about?

Anytime someone is entering the arena as a novice and is looking to have their eyes opened quickly, I turn to my old friend Chorizo. Chorizo represents a lot of what's right in the sausage world. It is intensely spiced and contains copious amounts of fat - the combination produces one of the best apologetic arguments...forget cosmology...have you tried chorizo?

Other recommendations usually depend on the person seeking guidance. I'm quick to send someone down the salumi path. They are easy to get, require no preparation, and taste delicious. For some, the sense of adventure draws them down the organ meat path. For them, it's boudin. Boudin is balanced in its presentation and gives a relatively easy entry way into organ meats. Black pudding and some of the scandinavian sausages are available to those wishing to move beyond basic boudin.

- Have you ever made your own sausage or are plans in the works?

The making of sausage has been maligned to the point of absurdity. Really, anyone who would compare making such a beautiful product to politics must never have seen either. While I haven't yet produced my own, I'm certainly not against it. Unfortunately, the economics of the situation limit the varieties available to the sausage artist at home. I think a nice andouille would be a great segue into what has the potential to become an obsession.

-I know you have a smoker, how has sausage been apart of that enterprise?

Smoking has brought an entirely new dimension to the enjoyment of sausage at my house. Anytime the smoker is turned on, you will find at least 3 fatties cooking alongside whatever other meat is being beautified. If you have a smoker, you owe it to yourself to do this!

- How would you recommend including sausage into meals this holiday season?

Sausage is a part of the celebrations of many cultures. Not too long ago, winter was a time when preserved foods became everyday staples as supplies of fresh foods diminished. Do some genealogical research and discover the sausage traditions of your ethnic and cultural ancestors. From Europe to Asia to Latin America and everywhere in between - sausage has a proud heritage. There is a huge number of prepared dishes featuring sausage. Sausage can appear on a platter with cheese for an appetizer. Sausage can be featured in dressing as a side dish. Sausage, of course, can be the star of the show as well. Really, there is no excuse for failing to have sausage in some form at your family feasts.

-Do you have a history of heart disease that could interfere with your pursuit of this passion?

I may have a history, but I don't have one that will interfere.

-Finally, Ron Paul, good idea?

See, there you go messing up a perfectly good discussion about sausage by bringing politics into it. I'll do my best to answer. Ron Paul is like a nicely aged bresaola among a platter of really weak, grocery store, water-laden bolognas.*

(all views expressed are those of the interviewee and do not always reflect the views of the author of this blog nor do they often reflect reality)

Hope you all enjoyed. Look for more interviews and I hope I can get my big interview opportunity with Moby. He is real and I will avoid every temptation to make a stupid whale joke.

My day is made

It's the little things people that just make you grin. My friends the Hendrix's love them some White Castles (sliders for those in the know) and so when I saw them this afternoon I started craving them. I drove over to the White Castle after leaving their presence and got my sammies (with extra pickle). I get to the drive through window and the credit card machine is broken. I have no cash. I tell my friend this and he asks me if I want ketchup. I said no, he gave me the bag and I reminded him I have no money. The man said it was cool and I drove off with free White Castles with extra pickle. I started singing "Free White Castle" over and over as I drove away.. Happy Day.

How I get stupid

When I need to keep my head from hurting after finishing a 5,000 word document and life just seems to be too stressful or work is just too "high brow" I need to kick it low brow. Maybe your stress is different and every time I think, man I'm busy, then I realize I don't have kids and I am not breast feeding right now or I have kids waking me up at night etc.. so life is good..

All said, let's get stupid with some videos. I'll be writing soon on Grammar, beavers and another sausage post.

Nice impersation of Matthew Mcconaugheyyyyyy ah my goodness you fine.




Unlike the above video, this gets funnier the more you watch it and really helps us get stupid

Hannah Montana of Bluegrass

Because I know that you come to me for your hard hitting bluegrass news let me introduce you to Sierra Hull who must be the Hannah Montana of bluegrass. She is not related to Billy Ray, which actually goes to her credibility, so don't be confused by that. She has some chops and it's great to watch them jam in the living room with wood paneling behind them and a guy on mandolin a.k.a "the chili dipper" with handle bar mustache. Do you think his name is Randy, Fletcher or Dale?

Enjoy!

Giving him the what?

In a crazy college football season it is only appropriate that this "penalty" would be called during a game this year. Also, Auburn 6 in a row pushing Alabama to 6-6.. 666 and a Coach named Saban. Priceless.

Bravo to official Ron Cherry for giving us a new category for personal fouls.

"We fix problems""

.. should be the family motto for the Bley's. I have told my boss many times that he likes me because I fix problems and don't create them. So what do you do in this situation (sort of a McGyver scenario):

You come home to your simple house that you have put together with your own two hands and you notice a blood spot near your driveway. You pull in and you see in the ditch next to the highway a deer. Someone hit it but still alive. You think that the deer will just die over night and that will be the end of this journey. The next morning you come out and the deer is still alive. What do you do?

What my brother did was call the county sheriff to tell him that he had a deer still alive next to his house. The sheriff comes out, gets his "deer gloves" out and drags the deer out of the ditch. He pulls his service revolver and puts the deer out of his misery. He then issues my brother a "Highway Kill" permit and he takes possession of the deer. He cuts it and dresses it and now he wants to sausagifiy his deer but doesn't have a meet grinder and only has the attachment with no motor. What do you do? Exhibit A:

What you have here is a custom, variable speed- 1/2" Makita meat grinder. All you need is a hand me down drill from your brother (me) a dimmer switch, pipe clamp, quick clamp and some zip ties. Now you are ready for the process of sausagification. My brother mix's deer and pork sausage for what is known as "dork". I had a dork burger and it was delicious.


... problem solved.

















(It should be noted for all you wanting to have this type of opportunity that the county does have a call list for "Highway Kill" but they can call you at 3 a.m. and you got to come get it while it's hot. My brothers brother-in law has been on this call list. Who wants to come home for Christmas with me?)

O-H-I-O

College Football is God's good gift to me to make me happy during the fall. That and hoodies and what else could you want. Marching bands are a big part of that and there is nothing cooler than seeing "script Ohio" performed by The Ohio State University. The logistics of how they do this I still am figuring out. Enjoy and wait until they dot the "I". Please enjoy the cheesy narration as well

"Oh the humanity"

In an effort to keep my humor in the midst of loosing my sanity this week I had to put this footnote in a paper I have been trying to destroy.

Some background: My week is full of papers, preaching, papers, preaching etc.. and I found a window to translate the verses I needed to for a Proverbs paper 48 hours before it was due. Did Proverbs 31:10-31. I went yesterday morning to print something and had to inform my fellow classmate, after I saw his computer screen, that he was translating the wrong verses. My fellow classmate then informed me that I was the one doing the wrong verses, 1-9. I sort of went numb, panicked, teared up, freaked out, cried and then went numb again in about 5.7 seconds. I had to preach in 3.5 hours, had another huge project in 24 hours and then preach again.
So after getting extensions from everybody but Beyonce and so much help from classmates steering me the write direction for this paper, it is done. I felt like I was that guy who was building the Hindenburg with a lit cigarette in his mouth. "Hey, you guy, you want to put that out. Nah, its bien be all cool,Dah" From the Hindenburg to the Mercedes the Germans have come a long way. So I didn't build the Hindenburg of papers but I came pretty dam close.

So that all said I buried this in footnote 32 of my paper:

[32] Roland Murphy 240- says that this instruction was about how to deal with harems or concubines. Waltke 507 makes a similar argument. You can see biblically examples of harems in I K. 11, Esth. 2 or sex outside marriage 2 Sam. 11. Giving your strength to such things distracts you from kingly duties. I’m so glad I don’t have to juggle the complexities of King/concubine relationships.

Fire

"Eloquence is an idea on fire" - Williams Jennings Bryant.

One of my favorite quotes and applicable today. I preached in class today and actually preached for the first time. I think the fire part had much to do with the preaching well. I also have appeared to pull a muscle in my chest. I think that happened during my reading of Exodus. We will see what fire and pulled muscles happen Sunday when this sermon goes before a live studio audience.

Tricked or Treat?- The true story of Candy Corn

The gathering has begun. We have been removed from Halloween just over a week and the completion of this years harvest is coming to a close. Underneath every corn silo in the United States is a candy corn silo that goes deep into the bowels of the deep dark sweet earth. It is a well known fact that every bit of candy corn that exists today was made in the year 1948. We all know how candy corn is produced and know that this one mass production in '48 was all there would be. There is a reason this stuff lasts forever as it has a coating of Carnauba wax. Even the inventer, George Renninger, has ringer clearly in his name. It is a fact that "The National Confectioners Association estimate 20 million pounds of candy corn are sold each year." Do you notice what is missing from this statement? None of this candy corn is ever consumed. There are by my estimate over 360,000,000 million pieces of candy corn that is never consumed. Now you will have loss due to accidental consumption, desperation due to lack of BabyRuth or Kit-Kat and the fact that they are on top of a cupcake. So remains 359,281,492 pieces of candy corn after the holiday season. Did you eat any candy corn this season?

Tell me where I am wrong.

The Crush, The Shame, The Truth

I have been hitting my stride on youtube lately and have found things through friends that have been pretty interesting. Let me introduce you first to my man crush. I didn't realize I had this crush until I was in his presence in a club in New York and I got girly quick and couldn't go up to talk to him. He is in St. Louis Sunday night and I can't wait to see him. I'm going alone as to not give him the wrong impression. The Croc lady knows about him so I feel safe doing this.




The second clip involves my very own alma mater Ball State. The worst sports cast ever and if you have seen it I encourage you to watch it again because there are so many painful subtleties. My personal favorite is the mouthed, wordless apology on air. Here is my school on display, Oh the shame.



Finally, I was introduced to this in one of my classes. Slam Poetry. This guy Taylor Mali and it's amazing stuff. It's humor and profound truth tied together and spoken so well. I'll include two. One on speaking with truth and the other "what teachers make" that gives me goosebumps. Both are fantastic and thoughtful. I'll write something next that is not a youtube splurge but I get some grace for spacing these things out.

The Best of the Worst

Here for your viewing pleasure is the single worst fight scene I have ever scene. Look for Kathy Griffins mom to make an entry and I'm perplexed by so much in this clip and if you have a weak stomach the end is painfully weird and gross. But trust me, you must finish because the pay off at the end is worth it. Joyfully wasting your time- Kevin

Please leave a message

What we will endeavor to do with this time together is learn how to compose a proper voice mail message. With much experience under my belt of leaving many creative voice mail messages and being in a family that likes to mess with each other I believe I can draw on my experience as well as some common sense and just plain humor. There are things that I think are necessary to a good voice mail message that will help you "win friends and gain influence". I guarantee.

Let's look at some no no's:

1. Under no circumstance should you leave a message "you know what to do" or "you know the drill." Why? Because of Dylan McKay, that's way. This tool introduced us to the world of "cool" away messages. Do you really want to have the voice mail that Dylan would choose for you. This guy dated Brenda and you don't date crazy. It's a rule you don't break. We are all sad that his girlfriend, the noxema girl, was accidentally killed by her own fathers hit men but none of us are without baggage. Steer clear of 90210.. da da da da... da da da da ... da da .

2. The fake out is very rarely pulled off well and it is best not to attempt unless you got some serious game. Some folks accidentally do this by starting their voice mail with "hey". This is confusing because you don't know if you got them or not.

3. Stay away from impersonations. You know better and I checked and Rich Little is not dead but he is Canadian so lets not burden our friends with impersonations.

You have to be your self in the voice mail world. If your funny it's okay but not to silly so that when you get those "someone has.... " you don't have some zanny message. Also of the greatest importance is time. By my research (I counted 1-1000 with my fingers) you have 7.2 seconds with your audience. If you are good, say like me, then you can get by with 10 seconds but you better be bringing your A-game. I have routinely done this but I have really tried to get myself down to 8.0 seconds. Some people were complaining that my away message was using up their anytime minutes. Those people were a little up tight and the stick up their buts had sticks up their buts or as they say "you could stick a lump of coal (in his fist) and in two weeks you would get a diamond."-had to clean that up for the kids

I just changed mine and shortened it some, kept some subtle humor and of course referenced the greatest show ever to grace the air waves, Arrested Development. The John the Baptist of TV shows as my friend calls it.

Hope I have given you some good help and would love to have more feed back on why I annoy the crap out of you or how we can do voice mail better.

A commitment to my name

I thought it appropriate to be true to the name of "efficiently wasting your time" by sharing some things that save time so I can waste time. I added a links bar on the right side of the page and you will find three things that help me out and make my life enjoyable.

1. Netvibes is a website that let's you display on one page multiple website feeds. This is a great tool to manage multiple blogs and see who is posted what. I can put up 12 blogs on one page and that saves a ton of time in clicking and going to each one. You can customize alot of stuff on Netvibes.

2. Jott is a phone service that lets you phone 30 second messages that get transcribed and emailed to yourself. You can also send others messages. If I'm driving and think of a list of things i need I just Jott myself. This thing rocks. The list is waiting in my email when I get home.

3. Pandora Radio really just makes me happy and when I'm happy I get things done. It streams stations that you create based on musical preferences. Jimmy Durante radio is good fun for me. Have fun with this tool and enjoy music commerical free.

Finally, get yo Pimp Handle as well and let me know what it is.. Mine is...Ghetto Fabulous K. Ice

Naval Battle

As I spoke freely on the job site today, feeling some sort of deep comradeship with my fellow electrician , I said "I love putting my finger in my belly button." Que? Have you ever said something that you know is true but sounds absurd to say it out loud. I am going to say that this statement fits neatly into this category. Other statements of the like would be "Dallas Sucks" or "Hillary Clinton has a point" or "Target makes me feel close to God" .

Joe, who I said this to, claimed that I had a naval fetish. That cannot be the case because fetish implies a sexual arrossal of which there is none in this case. Well, turns out there is a third use of fetish which is "an irrational, or abnormal, fixation or preoccupation". If that is the case than 1/3 of my life is a fetish including my crappy fantasy football team, my calves, and this Blog.

So I have a naval fetish. I'm okay with that but two things have changed in naval town. When I had my appendix taken out one of the three places they put the probes in was through my belly button. I have a scar inside of my naval cavity and the whole mojo of the b.b. has never been the same. What has also changed is all my weight loss. I'm 5 short of 50 and I estimate I have lost 1 3/16" of depth in my b.b. The scar and the shallow hallow that is my naval cavity have made it a struggle to enjoy my once enjoyed past activity. This simply must be a passing of an old era and entering a new chapter in my life where the centrality of the b.b. belongs in the a.d.

I have no more word plays and your nausea( or maybe our nausea) has probably set into the point where your vision and comprehension are blurred past understanding.

I surrender in this Naval Battle.

It's time to get things started, it's time to light the lights

If you know the lines then your singing along. Honestly, few things cheer me up quicker than going on youtube and looking up old episodes of the muppets. So many wonderful memories of watching muppets and Hee-Haw on saturday night. SNL just did a spoof of the muppets and it's worth watching. I also put a quick "pigs in space" link in and I am almost tempted to change the name of my blog after one of the characters. What do you think of drstrangepork.blogspot.com ? Finally, a cool behind the scenes of how they did the Muppet stuff w/monitors and all their movements followed by the full intro to the show. I'm smiling and laughing right now.. What joy.

Vol. 2- Crocs, Communion and Cowboys

Just when you think this discussion could get less compelling it gets lesser compelling and with worser grammar to boot (pun intended). Per our continuing discussion of Crocs two interesting developments have taken place. The "Croc lady" not only has a pair of Crocs but has the exact same pair and color I have and brought them out the other night and was talking about how comfortable they are and how that she didn't want to take them off (if she wasn't so cute I would have found her mocking perturbing). When it comes to footwear and relationships I think Chris G. has nailed it: "I think it's more the regard for the person that feels so thoughtful than changing who you are. You're a crocs guy. You'll always wear them. But if something else makes a certain woman happy, get the something else." I'm happy to get the something else plus if she has to look at the Crocs then she has to go through the calves to get to my Crocs. You can't resist.

The second development on the Croc front happened at the communion table this past sunday. I get handed the bread by our elder and I go back to him for the common cup, the blood of Christ (not literally my Catholic friends), and ... Crocs. Black Crocs with his dress attire. The Body, The Blood, The Crocs? I don't even have a category for this one. So you can't show up on a date with Crocs on but the communion table is Croc casual? I'm so glad I am wasting everyones time, efficiently, with this madness. Can you believe you are actually sitting in front of your computer reading this drivel. Don't you have bulbs to plant?

So what you see here is a kids pink cowboy boot. That Boot now belongs to this precious angel, Honor.








Apparently pink cowboy boots are the rage for kids on the Upper West side of Manhattan. This got me thinking about who should be wearing cowboy boots. Don't cowboy boots say something about a person that other footwear does not. I don't think you can wear cowboy boots if:

• you're a vegetarian. Boca Burger and Boot shall not touch (Leviticus 59.7/2)
• If you have ever protested a war. Sorry, boots say I kick ass and "No War for Oil" is not a place for the boot
• If you own an Audi, BMW or Mercedes you are out of boot land. The cars are clean, fast and foreign. That's not a place for a boot.
• If you think Jimmy Carter deserved a Nobel Prize (just thought I would get that in and I would deny more than just boots to this person)
• If you TiVo Grey's Anotomy (okay, now I'm just ranting)
• TEXT COWBOY19 to send in your suggestions.
  

The one person who I know is uniquely qualified to wear boots is my brother. He drives a 25 foot truck with a 30 ton crane. Works on earth movers, excavators and dozers. He owns a banjo, is a clogging instructor and if not for his wife restraining him he would own over 12 pairs of boots, but even then he is close.

But cute little girls can wear what ever they want...

Crocs huh?

I'm addicted. I never understood why people were always wearing these things and then a friend of mine graciously gave me a pair of these guys, this color exactly, and they tend not to leave my feet. This has become a problem and I will tell you why and then ask for your great input.

Almost two weeks ago I went out on a date and I made my preparations to clean my truck with care and make sure it didn't smell. I actually took the air "neutralizer" stuff from the bathroom and sprayed it in the truck and threw it behind the seat in case I needed again. I was really trying here. I show up and knock on the door and she opens the door, smiles, looks at me and looks down and says "Crocs huh?" to which I respond "yea it was either those are the Birks" My fashion rational was that I was wearing a nice dress shirt and a good pair of khakis so this all balances out, right? I realized that my fashion sense is top down dressing. I get my hair in order, always wear a nice shirt that is ironed, I am less particular about the shorts and by the time I get to shoes I figure I have given enough effort already so Crocs will do. By the way she found my response to be funny after the fact so we have had this fashion discussion.

Maintenance wise you can clean your Crocs with a pumas stone. I shower with them, use the pumas stone after I have used my loupha and body wash and my Biolage two in one hydrating shampoo. I'm a man baby.

So friends when do you cross the Croc line and how much can you get away with? I'm just dying to find out (from all the married women that read this blog and the other 3 of you)

love ya all- Kevin

Pre-tube

I remember seeing this almost ten years ago in college. Somehow people found ways of putting video on the Internet without the help of youtube. This is a fine and historic trend setting spoof of Star Wars. I'm also so tired I can't think of anything good to post and not that I don't love making you laugh but one key to a good Blog is not getting to lazy and posting youtube links all the time so you have to be careful how often you play the youtube link card. I respect you guys to much. (buy you guys I mean all the married women that read this blog for enjoyment, I have a niche at least and will be announcing a new sponsor ship with Baby Bjorn on Monday) But coming down the pipe is voice mail etiquette, idiot savant gifts and Blog friends that aren't really friends. This is what we call a teaser to the fall line up. Enjoy "TROOPS"

Wednesday, its business time!

For all you married lovers out there and in honor of our fantastic series on sex at church enjoy the Flight of the Conchords

Peeping Bunny

This Saturday I was minding my business just working along on school work all day and dining from the table of college football. I was getting ready to go out for the night and went to take a shower at 5 ish.

I had made my full "preparations" for the shower and was about to jump in when I heard some yelling in the back yard. I also heard this odd whooshing sound that I could not explain. I turned to look out the large window of the bathroom and I was eyeball to eyeball with this monster.
The energizer bunny was eye balling me outside of my window. The worlds largest hot-air balloon (taller than the statue of liberty) was checking me out no more than 100 feet away. This is the conversation we had:

K-Dude!
EB-yea man, nice day huh?
K-Could have told me you were coming by.
EB-I go where I blow baby. But your right, should have at least called and said I'm in the neighborhood but I can't get a blue tooth for these pink fuzzy monsters on my head. Whoa, got a permit for those guns big sexy? Still talking about your calves all the dam time?
K-True Dat.
EB-Is Gordon around?
K-No, out of the country... wait.. I'm having a conversation with a giant inflated bunny out loud. If my neighbors hear this they'll think I'm crazy.
EB- You're not crazy but I can clearly see your nuts.


The peeping bunny got the best of me on this round but if he comes back.

(This almost happened exactly as I explained with the exception of the part about the blue tooth. EB doesn't have a cell, doesn't like to be tied down)

Sure, I'm a massage therapist

Mmmm, yea that does feel good.

I never thought that this could be the greatest job ever but recent events have made me reconsider my career path and possible professional choices. I'm now working on an Intra-Associates in Massage Therapy from:

www. Hazeemsmagicschooloffingers.com school of Massage Therapy and Camel grooming.

The reason I am doing this is because of a party I recently attended where a massage therapist was in full effect for this fantastic birthday event. When word got around of what this guy could do there was a physical and mental line forming as he began doing some impromptu massaging on a ottoman. Married women and single women let this guy "rub on them" for exstended periods of time for the sake of relaxation and no one, but me, thought this an odd warm up before the game of "scene it" was to commence. Who in the world can get away with this except for this guy? That's why Hazeem has magic in his title because this guy must be a magician.

So, the next time that someones asks you what you do for a living, with out hesitation, you say your a Massage therapist who happens to be a Camel groomer.

Now that's a Party

How do you know that you have executed a successful Labor day party? Well at the 1st Annual "Meat on Fire"' cookout and washers tournament I set the benchmark as, when you have barbecue sauce on the bill of your Fiddler's Jamboree trucker hat( and yes I did lick it off mother).

I got that covered so congrats to the Hendrix's for having one kick-ass Labor Day blow out.

40/40 Benchmarks

Since the first week of February I have had the initial goal of loosing 30 lbs by 30. It's been fun working out and seeing progress and after my weigh in this morning ,7 months to the day I started, I broke the 40 lb mark and past to 42. It's been a ton of fun

The second 40 mark happened in New York City. In July I went to see my friends the Crosby's and teach VBS and had a blast. My friend Scott let me borrow his bike and ride in Central Park. His bike, unlike my mountain bike, is made for speed and some one in a Spandex Uni-tard. I didn't have the spandex which was fortunate for all trying to enjoy the scenery in Central Park but I did get to ride. This bike is fast and on the North Side of the park the road goes down some winding hills and I thought "Hey let's see how fast we can go" I hit 40 on the speedometer and was scared the whole time. I had to stop going down a turn because I could see my self sliding across the asphalt. The hard part about that was that when you go down hill there is another hill going the other direction on the other side. I was riding and turned the corner and looked up and said out loud "Oh Lord." 2 attempts with a 5 minute break in between and I made it up the hill and was passed by the Spandex Uni-tard guys the whole time.

So the moral of the story is set some goals for yourself and begin the journey. The advice I got was to make them realistic, time specific and measurable. It's been very helpful advice so swing for the fences.

What's that giant sucking sound?

That sound is this show coming on at Thursday nights. Maybe I have missed something in the 3 collective minutes I have watched but that time I spent made me dumber. It actually affected my motor skills and my brain function and I feared for my life that my brain might forget to tell my heart to beat. Out of sheer survival I had to change the channel.

Please tell me what I am missing? If I want to look at someone hot I have a mirror so I got that covered. Is this the content and style of 90210 with blood and anesthesiologists?

If you love this show I am listening and if you can't stand bad medical TV dramas (love you Nat) then please respond.

Can she find her own house?

Wow, Question and answer time was never more of a train wreck than when Ms. Teen South Carolina has to answer a question about maps and education. I heard this and was laughing but in great pain at the same time. Every word she utters just seems to make it worse. Yet, A.C. Slater tries to play it cool. And Joey Lawrence is one of the judges in this contest so you know this is a keeper.

Could she win an Inner Beauty pageant?

I love women's clothes

I am so glad that this is out in the open. I realize that I love telling people things I love in hopes that they might enjoy them as well. The women's clothes fits into an odd category but I love how they express what type of person the women is and just also how versatile you can make a top. It's hard work keeping up with clothes. Women's hair cuts also fall into this category of really doing amazing things. I saw a friend recently who's new hair cut made her look 5 years younger. I'm not down for the struggle ladies but I appreciate the fight.

Another thing I love that some of you can share in is Trader Joe's. It is always a fun experience and you feel like your sticking it to the man somehow even though it's a division of Aldi's technically. Here are my favorite things to get there:

• Mango-Passion Fruit Juice
• "This apple walks into a bar"
• Sweet Potatoes Chips
• Thai Red Curry Sauce (add chicken and Basmati rice you have something good going)
  
• Love the organic white cheddar shells
• great sliced packaged roast beef
• Strawberry Popsicles (i make weird sounds when I eat these things they are so good)
• Vanilla Almond Granola Bars
• Chicken fingers(I realize some of this stuff is the diet of a 3 year old but these are whole tenderloin fingers so you can't pass that up
• Finally they have a Turkey-Chicken Andoille that would make the parents of the Turkey proud to be cased in this beauty of a link. If you ever fire up a grill there should always be a sausage course. I will run this by my friend The "Patron Saint of Sausage" but I can't imagine him disagreeing.

Including myself there are three unique Patron saints. Katherine is the "Patron Saint of Perpetually good hair." You will have to guess what mine is?

'24' dies

I have talked to my television, spent time in deep conversation and sat on the edge of my seat (literally) for the show that is 24. I feel now after all this that its death is imminent. This past season after 4 episodes, the show started sucking and the whole season ended like a bad soap opera with that close up of Jack thinking deeply the writing was on the wall.
(Spoiler alert if you did not see this last season)

Now I find out that on this new season Janeane Garofalo will be joining the cast as a government agent investigating the crap Jack has churned up. So I had to watch my boy Curtis get shot by Jack to make room for Janeane Garofalo (star of Cable Guy and Mystery Men AND Reality Bites, Tirzah)? Tony and Curtis dead is not good for this show. Ricky Schroeder, no matter how loose cannon or grizzled, can't be Curtis or Tony.

You know who would make a good Chief of Staff, Gary Busey. While we are at it we should have our first female president be Jessica Alba. I already had to believe that Rudy, Sean Astin, could whip CTU into shape and deal with the train wreck acting of Elisha Cuthbert( her own hottness could not help) as the distressed daughter of Jack. I was begging for ricen gas at this point and sad that Edgar had to eat the big one.

I guess I will wait for the Office and Heroes to get fired back up.

So long Jack...... Get Down!!! and I don't think your coming back up.

GigaNuclear

On the Switzerland/France border they are completing the worlds largest and most powerful particle accelerator called LHC. Over 17 miles, all underground, this baby is a monster. This thing is extraordinary for two reasons: The amount of power it uses is simply overwhelming and the location was chosen because of the Nuclear Power that France uses. They get 80 percent of their power from Nuclear. Why we don't do this is beyond me because it is the cleanest, safest and best way to deal with our energy problem. You can drive a Prius but it will get its electric power from coal fired plants. You can't get electric from puppy dog kisses and baby otters playing. You can still be green, but just glow in the dark

Also what is amazing is the amount of information this thing will generate. They say they can generate 40.000 gigs of information per second. Holy Crap. They have what they call a GRID system to transfer this data to almost 7,000 Physics around the world. They tested this system and they can move the content of one DVD movie in 7 seconds. You know at some point they will get bored and fire Top Gun to somebody just because they can.

The only downside of this thing that i can see is they predict possibility of it creating an un-stabble black hole. So France gets swallowed up, I'll get cheese and condescension from somewhere else.

Messiah Complex

Now I have never been high standing on a roof at a party and declared that "I am a golden god", at least that I can remember. But was has been settling into my mind as I start seminary in 2 weeks is this: I am a 30 year old, single, son of a carpenter, from a no name town who is about to graduate and start his "ministry". Despite how delusional it might sound I feel a lot of pressure when I think about that string of facts. If I was Jewish then it could be the tipping point for the apocalypse and though I do like attention, being the guy who brought on the apocalypse is not how I would like to get on the Today Show (and also do you capitalize The Apocalypse to not confuse it from just a regular apocalypse because I'm worried about triggering the big one).

Fortunately for everyone involved I lack every other qualification to be considered the Son of God, not that I had to point this fact out. I am really going to miss thinking about this stupid stuff in a few weeks when I won't have time to breath.

Can anybody else think of things that disqualify me from being the Son of God? I welcome feedback

True Confession

1 John 1:6 - 2:1 ⁶ If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. ⁸ If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. ^NIV 1 John 2:1 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense-- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

We were talking about confession in prayer group recently and at the time I think I was in the category of the above underlined, the deceived one. The deceived one who still thought he was holding it together. It appears from this passage that this thinking will create the dark places where the enemy can deceive and fellowship is broken. It's amazing that in the thought process that you think by doing something yourself that you are free and the exact opposite thing is true. The reality is that I am desperate and need grace and light. I do what is indefensible in my eyes, sin against a God who gave his only son for me. Who will defend this one? , the accuser says. Praise God for 2:1 because it is "Jesus Christ, the Righteous One."

I don't know exactly what Jesus says on my behalf but if he just said "my blood" then it would be wholly sufficient for justice that cost him, righteousness that he gives to me and purity that he gives with joy and love to his dear children.

So what does it look like for us to live in the confidence that I can't make myself good enough? (I'm working through that). Jesus has done what I could not do and gives his work to me. So TRUE CONFESSION for me becomes much more desperate because I know I can't make things right. Confession can be more bold because he is my defender so it will be hard but so free because Christ has put the pressure on himself and his work, not mine. In that place we are purified and fellowship with our brothers and sisters goes to it's deepest levels as we walk in the light together seeing that we are a band of thieves and traitors that have one God.

May your Lords day be rich with mercy and truth

The great thing about August

What is so good about 99 degree weather, 110 heat index and 40% humidity? The answer is no fabric softner. There is no chance of ever having to worry about static cling in the middle of August as you enjoy entering a 200 degree car which is actually hotter than your dryer. Even snuggles over there doesn't use his own product during August. So please put away your fabric softners for the next month and enjoy the convenience of saving 18 seconds out of your daily dryer schedule.

Yea, they do let anybody have a blog

A commitment to efficiently wasting your time

In an effort to be true to this blogs motto I wanted to turn you on to something, if you don't know already, called Netvibes . It's a great way to multitask websites on one page. I have 5 blogs, espn, weather, gmail, news and any other website you frequent that has a RSS feed and loads it all on one page in multiple windows. You don't have to check 5 blogs to see who posted because they all come up at once plus your weather etc.

Tell me what you think and thanks to the Crosbys for this find.

More Muse Arrogance

This is what I had in mind when I thought of his arrogance. This is a fun sound and the guys goes from classical piano to rockshow with pretty fine ease. I also think I just figured out how to embed videos on this thing. One more month of wasting time and then back to school

Starting with the National Anthem

The launching of any good event should start with an "Anthem" and so I launch with the monsters of rock, Muse. I saw these guys in the fall in a smaller venue and was blown away. Here they are in a festival setting blowing it up. They blend loud, skill, vocals and just the right amount of arrogance you want in a band. I'm sure the guitarist is a prick in real life but on stage he is a minnie god.




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