Thursday, January 31, 2008

Geography, Politics and Humor.

Depending on how you lean politically you should still find this funny. Super Tuesday is coming up next week with 11 states making the sweet move to polls. That sound they are making is the sound of freedom my friends. At the intersection above is the corner of universal health care and higher taxes. I thought I might blog about some relevant issues for the week. So some fun and informational blogs on global warming and economics are coming down the pike. Anything else you want the skinny on? ( I can tell you anything but how Lay's makes there crunchy wavy chips. That goes to the grave with me.)

Sunday, January 27, 2008

"Beat the hell out of it!"

When you call a qualified professional to get advice about a subject that you cannot figure out on your own, you expect a certain "professionalism" to the response. When my tire was flat in my drive way two weeks ago I changed to the spare and plugged the hole with my plug kit (don't you all have a tire plug kit?, I used to carry everything from plugs to an air compressor and serviced my own vehicles when they broke down on the rode). So when I went to take the spare off last week it would not come off. I was pulling with all my might and nothin. When I am in this spot I call my brother, the professional diesel mechanic, to give me his best advice. He is always helpful.
Here we are, he is on the left, checking out a dozer. Yes, I got to drive this by myself. Awesome. So what Eric said next to my question was " have you tried kicking it?" Me- "No" Eric- "Well, just put your back up against something and starting kicking the hell out of it." Great advice from the mechanic. I tried this and nothing. No special tool or procedure, just kicking.

Fast forward to Thursday and it is 6 freaking degrees. I am on my way to work and I am about to turn left onto an intersection and as I turn I see a Ford Expedition speeding towards me, blocked by a row of cars, and so I swerve wildly out of the way and hit the concrete curb in the highway. I knew when I hit it what would happen next. The spare, stuck tire was going flat rapidly and I came to stop a mile down the road smoking and flat.

The tire looked similar to exhibit A. to your right.
I tried again with no success to get this tire off to put my perfectly good tire on that I had ready to go. I had to call a tow truck driver and when he showed up he was surprised that I didn't have a spare. I told him that was not my problem and that it was stuck. He asked if he could try. I winced as he pried on things that don't need to have bars rammed into them. He then started round 2 with two new tools that expanded what my brother had said and gave his words power.

What you need to get a stuck tire off is a hammer, a 4x4 and you need to "Beat the hell out of it(comma) like you don't own it." My dear tow truck drive starting wailing on my rim with a hammer and after some winsing on my part it moved a 1/4 of an inch.

With new courage I got under the truck with a 4x4 to participate and protect my truck from him and I starting beating the hell out of that rim like I didn't own it and with in 30 seconds POP. Yes! The family motto "We fix problems."

Within one hour of the incident I was back on the road and the driver took off with a sweet grin on his face of accomplishment.

I guess my brother was right, it just took someone else to show me what he meant.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

5 percent approval rating

Finally, at post number 18 I get some love and flattered to the point of blushing. Yes!(I also received a strongly worded letter from W.A.N.S.M. headquarters which will be posted tomorrow)

Trev Diesel said...

Amy and I read and re-read your post multiple times.

Sheer genius, my friend.

You really should freelance write for some magazines. Brilliant.
(And I'm with you on each and every point - even the "controversial" ones)

Monday, January 21, 2008

Check me Out!!

(I write and rock to Beck-Odelay)

If you know me at all then you know that I am an artist. I don't limit my work to just Carpentry, electrical work or clogging though. Anything I lay my hands to I want to figure out how to do well. This pursuit would include the art of the self-checkout. I have developed over the last few years a mental check list. I make the list when I step up to the stations and want to get in line and prepare myself to do some truly special work when I get there. Here is the mental checklist you should have in place to successfully check yourself out and choose the right line:

1. Do I have produce? This will slow you down greatly because people do not know what to do with produce during self check out. I have gotten proficient enough that taking three avocados up there does not concern me. If anyone in front you has anything from the salad bar, get in the other line. Also you would be amazed how people cannot find a banana and then mess up the weight by leaning on the scale.

2. Technological competence? I titled this technology but honestly what I want to say is you need to get behind the 20-35 year old male and usually(bold denoting emphasis) not a woman. Women are just more relational than task oriented. If you can tell she is a Mom, then she is living in a perpetual state of distraction or worry and I can't tell you how many times I see the purse come out to pay for something and the process of "digging" begins. A 20-30 something male is proficient at technology, is completely focused on the dip and Doritos in front of him and he has a small wallet and will not be paying in cash. This decision will be THE key to checking out quickly.

3. Booze? Get out of the way of people buying it and choose another line. You don't want to hear in front of you "please show your i.d. to the attendant." That sound is the sound of you standing longer than you need too.

4. Shopping Cart vs. Basket? I think shopping carts should be banned from self-check out and I personally police myself on this one but get behind the basket person. That basket shows you the attitude of mobility.

I hit the perfect storm in front of me a few weeks ago and it made me recommit to my core checking values. I'm in self-check out and in front of me is a middle aged women (mistake one) she has a shopping cart (mistake two) she has a bluetooth IN and ON that I could not see (mistake three) she is a sassy black women and used girlfriend twice in her conversation (not a mistake but made it fun and I wished I had a sassy black friend) she had a big bottle of wine (mistake 4) and produce (mistake 5). I made my mental check list and just had to eventually laugh as I stood behind her and had no where else to go with all 4 stations occupied by rule breakers and the elderly when she put the icing on the cake for me. She paid cash and not just regular cash but with a 100. A manager had to be brought over. YES, YES, Connect Freakin Four we have a winner.

I hope this has been educational and for those offenders reading this I hope you learned. I look forward to your insights and angry responses.

-Skittles (funnest word ever)

Monday, January 14, 2008

Word of the year (RETRACTION)

So I know I might have violated the sacred trust between blogger and blog reader but I completely fabricated the NPR word of the year as dorcile. I mainly did it to show how much credibility something gets if you "heard it on NPR". You stick a couple of hyper links into a document and a NPR reference and it's gold. Sorry for the fake word "dorcile". I'm convinced it should be a word though. I'll continue my assault on the English language but with words that are not made up.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Office and Gen. 1-3

Ricky Gervais, of the BBC Office and Extras, reads and commentates on Gen. 1-3. It's really funny and insightful on how someone who is not a Christians reads the bible. I think this is worth your time and I was actually encouraged as I thought about God and some of the stuff he said. There is a little profanity so mindful of little ears you Mom's and Dad's. It's 10 minutes so give your self sometime. Enjoy friends.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Domesticated and an alarm clock

I am pleased to introduce you to Bob2. This is my mom's second rooster. You can tell by the previous name not her first, may he rest in piece dear Bob 1. He loves to come through the front door and stand by the refrigerator and wait for some grapes. He loves to eat grapes and will jump up and eat them out of your hand. His feathers are softer than I thought they would be but this does not keep Bob 2 from biting. He got me twice and I was forced to kick him. He drew blood on the leg of our waterman, Bruce. Bob2 protects his back door fiercely, he does this so well that a few weeks ago my dad found this note from the U.S. Post office affixed to the front door. "Pickup: Local post office. Failed Delivery- Reason: Rooster" We recommend bringing grapes with you because it's hard to tell what mood a Rooster and especially Bob2 could be in.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

And your word of the year is...

Dorcile. Who knew? Apparently of all the new words that could be created for 2007, this was our clear cut winner. I heard this on NPR because I'm a refined urban yuppie poser with my L.L. Bean slippers but still having a pickup truck. This is the gist of what Dorcile means.

Dorcile- (pron. Door-syle) means to move swiftly showing animal like quickness, apparently a reference to any fish but i like to think of dolphins and their cute little dorsal fins.

I blame/attribute this new word to the proliferation of the movie Finding Nemo and more importantly for people like myself not using the word docile correctly. Apparently, as I get corrected by English majors in the room, I never use this word correctly. Docile is someone who is teachable, pliable, instructable and can be derogatory like a whooped husband. Docile sounds like something should be moving quickly, like a docile animal. I am glad to know that the people who cook up words keep up with people like me who think a docile animal moves quickly and can invent words to keep pace with my assault on the English language.

I can now say that the animal is really dorcile or better yet that I am really dorcile (because my slamming calves give me that ability.)

Thanks NPR for giving me such good content in the most boring way possible.