The Best of the Worst

Here for your viewing pleasure is the single worst fight scene I have ever scene. Look for Kathy Griffins mom to make an entry and I'm perplexed by so much in this clip and if you have a weak stomach the end is painfully weird and gross. But trust me, you must finish because the pay off at the end is worth it. Joyfully wasting your time- Kevin

Please leave a message

What we will endeavor to do with this time together is learn how to compose a proper voice mail message. With much experience under my belt of leaving many creative voice mail messages and being in a family that likes to mess with each other I believe I can draw on my experience as well as some common sense and just plain humor. There are things that I think are necessary to a good voice mail message that will help you "win friends and gain influence". I guarantee.

Let's look at some no no's:

1. Under no circumstance should you leave a message "you know what to do" or "you know the drill." Why? Because of Dylan McKay, that's way. This tool introduced us to the world of "cool" away messages. Do you really want to have the voice mail that Dylan would choose for you. This guy dated Brenda and you don't date crazy. It's a rule you don't break. We are all sad that his girlfriend, the noxema girl, was accidentally killed by her own fathers hit men but none of us are without baggage. Steer clear of 90210.. da da da da... da da da da ... da da .

2. The fake out is very rarely pulled off well and it is best not to attempt unless you got some serious game. Some folks accidentally do this by starting their voice mail with "hey". This is confusing because you don't know if you got them or not.

3. Stay away from impersonations. You know better and I checked and Rich Little is not dead but he is Canadian so lets not burden our friends with impersonations.

You have to be your self in the voice mail world. If your funny it's okay but not to silly so that when you get those "someone has.... " you don't have some zanny message. Also of the greatest importance is time. By my research (I counted 1-1000 with my fingers) you have 7.2 seconds with your audience. If you are good, say like me, then you can get by with 10 seconds but you better be bringing your A-game. I have routinely done this but I have really tried to get myself down to 8.0 seconds. Some people were complaining that my away message was using up their anytime minutes. Those people were a little up tight and the stick up their buts had sticks up their buts or as they say "you could stick a lump of coal (in his fist) and in two weeks you would get a diamond."-had to clean that up for the kids

I just changed mine and shortened it some, kept some subtle humor and of course referenced the greatest show ever to grace the air waves, Arrested Development. The John the Baptist of TV shows as my friend calls it.

Hope I have given you some good help and would love to have more feed back on why I annoy the crap out of you or how we can do voice mail better.

A commitment to my name

I thought it appropriate to be true to the name of "efficiently wasting your time" by sharing some things that save time so I can waste time. I added a links bar on the right side of the page and you will find three things that help me out and make my life enjoyable.

1. Netvibes is a website that let's you display on one page multiple website feeds. This is a great tool to manage multiple blogs and see who is posted what. I can put up 12 blogs on one page and that saves a ton of time in clicking and going to each one. You can customize alot of stuff on Netvibes.

2. Jott is a phone service that lets you phone 30 second messages that get transcribed and emailed to yourself. You can also send others messages. If I'm driving and think of a list of things i need I just Jott myself. This thing rocks. The list is waiting in my email when I get home.

3. Pandora Radio really just makes me happy and when I'm happy I get things done. It streams stations that you create based on musical preferences. Jimmy Durante radio is good fun for me. Have fun with this tool and enjoy music commerical free.

Finally, get yo Pimp Handle as well and let me know what it is.. Mine is...Ghetto Fabulous K. Ice

Naval Battle

As I spoke freely on the job site today, feeling some sort of deep comradeship with my fellow electrician , I said "I love putting my finger in my belly button." Que? Have you ever said something that you know is true but sounds absurd to say it out loud. I am going to say that this statement fits neatly into this category. Other statements of the like would be "Dallas Sucks" or "Hillary Clinton has a point" or "Target makes me feel close to God" .

Joe, who I said this to, claimed that I had a naval fetish. That cannot be the case because fetish implies a sexual arrossal of which there is none in this case. Well, turns out there is a third use of fetish which is "an irrational, or abnormal, fixation or preoccupation". If that is the case than 1/3 of my life is a fetish including my crappy fantasy football team, my calves, and this Blog.

So I have a naval fetish. I'm okay with that but two things have changed in naval town. When I had my appendix taken out one of the three places they put the probes in was through my belly button. I have a scar inside of my naval cavity and the whole mojo of the b.b. has never been the same. What has also changed is all my weight loss. I'm 5 short of 50 and I estimate I have lost 1 3/16" of depth in my b.b. The scar and the shallow hallow that is my naval cavity have made it a struggle to enjoy my once enjoyed past activity. This simply must be a passing of an old era and entering a new chapter in my life where the centrality of the b.b. belongs in the a.d.

I have no more word plays and your nausea( or maybe our nausea) has probably set into the point where your vision and comprehension are blurred past understanding.

I surrender in this Naval Battle.

It's time to get things started, it's time to light the lights

If you know the lines then your singing along. Honestly, few things cheer me up quicker than going on youtube and looking up old episodes of the muppets. So many wonderful memories of watching muppets and Hee-Haw on saturday night. SNL just did a spoof of the muppets and it's worth watching. I also put a quick "pigs in space" link in and I am almost tempted to change the name of my blog after one of the characters. What do you think of drstrangepork.blogspot.com ? Finally, a cool behind the scenes of how they did the Muppet stuff w/monitors and all their movements followed by the full intro to the show. I'm smiling and laughing right now.. What joy.

Vol. 2- Crocs, Communion and Cowboys

Just when you think this discussion could get less compelling it gets lesser compelling and with worser grammar to boot (pun intended). Per our continuing discussion of Crocs two interesting developments have taken place. The "Croc lady" not only has a pair of Crocs but has the exact same pair and color I have and brought them out the other night and was talking about how comfortable they are and how that she didn't want to take them off (if she wasn't so cute I would have found her mocking perturbing). When it comes to footwear and relationships I think Chris G. has nailed it: "I think it's more the regard for the person that feels so thoughtful than changing who you are. You're a crocs guy. You'll always wear them. But if something else makes a certain woman happy, get the something else." I'm happy to get the something else plus if she has to look at the Crocs then she has to go through the calves to get to my Crocs. You can't resist.

The second development on the Croc front happened at the communion table this past sunday. I get handed the bread by our elder and I go back to him for the common cup, the blood of Christ (not literally my Catholic friends), and ... Crocs. Black Crocs with his dress attire. The Body, The Blood, The Crocs? I don't even have a category for this one. So you can't show up on a date with Crocs on but the communion table is Croc casual? I'm so glad I am wasting everyones time, efficiently, with this madness. Can you believe you are actually sitting in front of your computer reading this drivel. Don't you have bulbs to plant?

So what you see here is a kids pink cowboy boot. That Boot now belongs to this precious angel, Honor.








Apparently pink cowboy boots are the rage for kids on the Upper West side of Manhattan. This got me thinking about who should be wearing cowboy boots. Don't cowboy boots say something about a person that other footwear does not. I don't think you can wear cowboy boots if:

• you're a vegetarian. Boca Burger and Boot shall not touch (Leviticus 59.7/2)
• If you have ever protested a war. Sorry, boots say I kick ass and "No War for Oil" is not a place for the boot
• If you own an Audi, BMW or Mercedes you are out of boot land. The cars are clean, fast and foreign. That's not a place for a boot.
• If you think Jimmy Carter deserved a Nobel Prize (just thought I would get that in and I would deny more than just boots to this person)
• If you TiVo Grey's Anotomy (okay, now I'm just ranting)
• TEXT COWBOY19 to send in your suggestions.
  

The one person who I know is uniquely qualified to wear boots is my brother. He drives a 25 foot truck with a 30 ton crane. Works on earth movers, excavators and dozers. He owns a banjo, is a clogging instructor and if not for his wife restraining him he would own over 12 pairs of boots, but even then he is close.

But cute little girls can wear what ever they want...

Crocs huh?

I'm addicted. I never understood why people were always wearing these things and then a friend of mine graciously gave me a pair of these guys, this color exactly, and they tend not to leave my feet. This has become a problem and I will tell you why and then ask for your great input.

Almost two weeks ago I went out on a date and I made my preparations to clean my truck with care and make sure it didn't smell. I actually took the air "neutralizer" stuff from the bathroom and sprayed it in the truck and threw it behind the seat in case I needed again. I was really trying here. I show up and knock on the door and she opens the door, smiles, looks at me and looks down and says "Crocs huh?" to which I respond "yea it was either those are the Birks" My fashion rational was that I was wearing a nice dress shirt and a good pair of khakis so this all balances out, right? I realized that my fashion sense is top down dressing. I get my hair in order, always wear a nice shirt that is ironed, I am less particular about the shorts and by the time I get to shoes I figure I have given enough effort already so Crocs will do. By the way she found my response to be funny after the fact so we have had this fashion discussion.

Maintenance wise you can clean your Crocs with a pumas stone. I shower with them, use the pumas stone after I have used my loupha and body wash and my Biolage two in one hydrating shampoo. I'm a man baby.

So friends when do you cross the Croc line and how much can you get away with? I'm just dying to find out (from all the married women that read this blog and the other 3 of you)

love ya all- Kevin