(I write and rock to Beck-Odelay)If you know me at all then you know that I am an artist. I don't limit my work to just Carpentry, electrical work or clogging though. Anything I lay my hands to I want to figure out how to do well. This pursuit would include the art of the self-checkout. I have developed over the last few years a mental check list. I make the list when I step up to the stations and want to get in line and prepare myself to do some truly special work when I get there. Here is the mental checklist you should have in place to successfully check yourself out and choose the right line:
1. Do I have produce? This will slow you down greatly because people do not know what to do with produce during self check out. I have gotten proficient enough that taking three avocados up there does not concern me. If anyone in front you has anything from the salad bar, get in the other line. Also you would be amazed how people cannot find a banana and then mess up the weight by leaning on the scale.
2. Technological competence? I titled this technology but honestly what I want to say is you need to get behind the 20-35 year old male and usually(bold denoting emphasis) not a woman. Women are just more relational than task oriented. If you can tell she is a Mom, then she is living in a perpetual state of distraction or worry and I can't tell you how many times I see the purse come out to pay for something and the process of "digging" begins. A 20-30 something male is proficient at technology, is completely focused on the dip and Doritos in front of him and he has a small wallet and will not be paying in cash. This decision will be THE key to checking out quickly.
3. Booze? Get out of the way of people buying it and choose another line. You don't want to hear in front of you "please show your i.d. to the attendant." That sound is the sound of you standing longer than you need too.
4. Shopping Cart vs. Basket? I think shopping carts should be banned from self-check out and I personally police myself on this one but get behind the basket person. That basket shows you the attitude of mobility.
I hit the perfect storm in front of me a few weeks ago and it made me recommit to my core checking values. I'm in self-check out and in front of me is a middle aged women (mistake one) she has a shopping cart (mistake two) she has a bluetooth IN and ON that I could not see (mistake three) she is a sassy black women and used girlfriend twice in her conversation (not a mistake but made it fun and I wished I had a sassy black friend) she had a big bottle of wine (mistake 4) and produce (mistake 5). I made my mental check list and just had to eventually laugh as I stood behind her and had no where else to go with all 4 stations occupied by rule breakers and the elderly when she put the icing on the cake for me. She paid cash and not just regular cash but with a 100. A manager had to be brought over. YES, YES, Connect Freakin Four we have a winner.
I hope this has been educational and for those offenders reading this I hope you learned. I look forward to your insights and angry responses.
-Skittles (funnest word ever)
22 comments:
Hey smart ass. Some moms have it together. Elsie holds my wallet and never misplaces it. So no digging here. The last thing I want to do with my 2 year old's short fuse is TALK to anyone in the grocery store, wasting precious time. Relation-shmelation. Wanna race? I'll take you on WITH my two kids. ...Is that the kind of angry comment you were looking for?
perfect
Excuse me- don't we moms get enough abuse from our toddlers without getting it from YOU too!? We are not dumb, we certainly are not slow, we might be tired but we sure the heck don't want to waste our time dawdling around the grocery store!
And, as your on your way over I'm going to challenge you to a wallet check. I guarentee my wallet it MUCH smaller than yours!
PHHHHHHH. Know your audience boy.
ps- john just told me i had to post an angry rant. hope this was good enough. and yes, i meant every word sucker!
I was informed by my chief editor, the Croc. Lady, that mom's would get the humor in this post. Not so much.
i just re-read my post and saw that i wrote your instead of you're. that really bothers me so i'm correcting myself.
I LOVE that Chris called you a smart ass. That's all. :)
We three moms and you Kevin in a check out duel. My friend, you would lose. What about Home depot? Would that be a more comfortable place to lose in for you?
I would be glad to showdown at Schnucks and I'll have diapers, formula, leaf lettuce and tick tacks. How is that for a showdown? Hey, where is my jacket Tirzah? You didn't forget it did you?
Of course I forgot it.
Here unfortunatly is the one major no no. Bringing your own canvas bags. The weight system flips out. Any thoughts?
kevin- you are also required to have a screaming toddler in your cart. i'll loan you mine.
or at least one who is very good at grabbing and hiding the chocolates near the check out so you look like a theif!
I feel confident that I am that disttrcated mom, however, I have never JOINED the church in my slippers. Seriously, what was that about.
i can't stop laughing about melanie's comment. so funny.
ok. correction. i specifically said "you might want to re-think the mom section...it's a bit harsh." just so you know.
yep, the slippers have shown up on dates too. kev, i just don't think they double as a casual shoe. can i get an amen?
Teaching Elder Peter Vaughn served the Lords Supper in Crocs. Take a breath people. I'm just going to get a pair of Dansko clogs so I fit in better. In fact I should have to wear a pair when we do the Schnucks mad check out race.
Amy and I read and re-read your post multiple times.
Sheer genius, my friend.
You really should freelance write for some magazines. Brilliant.
(And I'm with you on each and every point - even the "controversial" ones)
We were not talking about crocs. I thought that book was closed. Slippers Kev slippers. And why are you awake at 5 am?
Kevin, I've shopped with Tirzah twice, and she has almost a mystical mind-connection to what she's getting. It freaks me out. I would not go up against that. Have you seen "Serenity"? She's the River Tam of Schnucks.
Well gee Rachel, thanks I dont think I have ever been so praised.
no prob ;)
Post a Comment